Letter to a Soldier

By Toby Gowing

This is the story of my journey to faith culminating in my decision to follow Jesus at the age of 21.  I wrote it to a young lieutenant serving in Baghdad after he asked me how I went from Judaism to Christianity.  He had obtained a copy of the Gospel of John from another soldier, and was reading it with great interest.  Here’s my letter to him.

I was intrigued to read that you are becoming interested in the Bible, because that is exactly how I made my journey from Judaism to faith in Jesus, the Jewish Messiah.  Before I came to faith, Jesus was the most foreign, forbidden thing in the world to me.  Now I understand that for a Jewish person to come into a relationship with Jesus is the most Jewish thing you can do.

I was brought up in a Reform Jewish home -- the most liberal branch of Judaism., My parents did not practice their religion, but felt obligated to send us to synagogue. They also were motivated by social pressure, which reflected how we were raised in many ways. We did many things so that "the neighbors" wouldn't talk. 

I came out of that experience believing in God, but never having any connection to Him.  I thought of God as a distant untouchable being.  I never encountered anyone who had an encounter with God.  Everything was about continuing the traditions and being "a good person". 

I tried to be a good person but it never lasted long.  Most important, although I never in my life practiced Judaism, I was totally Jewish-identified -- a “Secular Jew”, that is, my life was secular but my mind-set was Jewish.  Above all, in matters of religion, I had tolerance and respect for every religion except Christianity. 

 As I grew into my teenage years, I was filled with contempt for Christians, and grew to hate Jesus.  In my youthful know-it-all way, I blithely discounted the millions who believed in the Lord, and thought those who attended church only did it for show.  Perhaps this is because that was my experience in my own synagogue.

 Dan was Catholic, and believed intellectually in Christ, but had no belief in his heart, as he puts it.  Dan is a true Christian now, thank God. We married in 1972, and moved to Oklahoma where he got his degree in the Oklahoma State School of Architecture. 

I had two years of art school, and was all ready to be a great artist.  I worked menial jobs -- dorm cafeterias -- while I painted and settled in to what I soon realized was the "buckle of the Bible belt". 

I made friends with a young woman, Karen, who slaved in the dorm kitchen with me.  She and I became close, and during that time returned to her faith in Jesus, from which she had sidled away for a while.  (Had she been a practicing Christian, I never would have made friends with her - I was that contemptuous.)  She soon started telling me about what Jesus had done for her and her family.  I kept telling her that I was Jewish and Jesus was fine for her but forbidden to me.  She just didn't get it.

This is where the Bible comes in. Karen started talking to me about what the Bible said was going to happen in the future.  It was fascinating.  Best of all, this kind of talk didn't put me on the spot about my own spiritual condition.  I could talk about these matters and still feel pretty good about myself.  I became curious.  One day on campus the Gideons were handing out little bibles with green covers.  They could fit in your pocket (so no one could see me with one) so I walked up to a Gideon and held out my hand, "Can I have one of those?"  I asked.  When I got home to our married student housing apartment, I opened the Bible to Revelation and was fascinated by the wild imagery.  

At this time Karen, and now her mom, also started talking to me more about Jesus Himself, and what he was doing for them.  I stopped arguing and started listening.  I became interested to know what Jesus Himself  actually said, so I turned to the Gospels.  I only read the words Jesus said - in the red print - because I thought that anything else in there might not be true  That's when things really started shifting around in my mind and heart. 

I read what Jesus said and the hair would raise up on the back of my neck.  As soon as I got home from work (if Dan wasn't home - I hid my reading and spiritual search from him - I was changing fast and I knew this wasn't part of the package he'd taken as his bride.) I would take out the Bible and read Jesus' words.  I had never read anything like this.  He seemed to be demanding a level of behavior that was way beyond what I could accomplish.  I realized I wasn't a good person, despite my efforts.  As I read I slowly became convinced that Jesus was Lord.  The person I had reviled and hated was actually God Himself, and the very One forbidden to me. 

I began to count the cost.  On the one side, eternal salvation and a God who was beckoning me to come worship at His feet.  On the other side, a husband and family who I knew would be furious with me, my friends whom I would lose (I did), and the ghosts of millions of Jews who had died for their Jewish identity and told me I would be a traitor if I went over to the Christian side. 

I was so torn, that I finally prayed a short prayer aloud, the first prayer I had prayed in my entire life that had any meaning.  I said, "God, if you are really Jesus, I want you to show me."  He did.

One night at Karen's house I finally saw my need for a Savior, and the Lord manifested His presence to me in a way that was so concrete, so overwhelming that even my blinded eyes and guarded heart knew that I must accept Him as my Savior or all was lost.  I counted the cost for the last time and took the plunge.  I prayed.  I repented of my sin and opened my heart.  I asked Him to be the Lord of me. 

I was flooded with peace and the presence of God.  I was truly born again.  I was new to myself.  So much of the horrible, thoughts, feelings and darkness fell away instantly.  I was made to walk with God, and now I was finally walking with Him.  The missing piece was at last in place!

What happened after that?  Dan came to faith shortly after, and my family came to accept my faith over the years.  My brother Brad came to faith also, but my sister still has not.

That's my story.  It is sort of a long one, but I hope it contributes to your quest.  Just ask God to speak to you through the Bible.  The Bible is a love letter written to humanity.  It is His desire to show you Himself through the words of that Book, and I think He is very pleased you are reading it.      

All the best,

Toby

(Toby Gowing is a freelance artist, a Middletown, NJ, resident, and a believer for the past 33 years.  A graduate of Pratt Institute in New York, she continues to paint professionally following 15 years as an illustrator.  In her local church she leads a women’s Bible study and in involved in a healing ministry team.)